The (Rumore) House Wins

Everyone is great at giving parenting advice if they don't have your kids.

I hit the kid lottery when I scored Dylan and Lylli. Anyone who's ever met me, including drive-thru workers and Publix cashiers, knows that I am crazy about my little jackpots.

Even though I'm slightly blinded by their awesomeness, I'm very aware that they are not always perfect. Sort of like Jared...he's very handsome and his charm could stop Mike Tyson from chompin' on lobes, but sometimes he doesn't take out the trash and I have cheery visions of pushing him into traffic.

Like all other parents, with the exception of Mary and Joseph, my children are not shining examples of model behavior 100% of the time. They fuss, make messes, talk back, whine about things that make me roll my eyes and whisper violently at them to knock it off before I lose my mind, and end up in time out and the quiet chair for being straight up annoying and crazy.

You would think that a community of like minded people, i.e, parents, would have each others' back and offer support for other stressed out, overwhelmed, moms, dads and parental guardians.

So many times the people that could be your biggest allies end up being the very people that bring you down. The judgemental, unwanted, back-handed advice and sheer ignorance is enough to make you home school your minis and and resort to a diet of fried foods and vodka.

In my case, I have a wonderful,supportive family. My Mom and Dad couldn't be any better at the whole grandparent gig and my in-laws love their grandkids unconditionally. They are on board with the decisions we make for the kids and offer help when we ask for it. They care about the kids' well being, happiness and success as much as Jared and I do.

Even so, I have had the judgemental looks from strangers when Dylan babbles or doesn't follow my simple directions and I want to either melt or smash them with a hammer. That's not something you should be subjected to in your daily life.

I've been the recipient of nasty glares when Lylli has a tantrum after hours of perfect behavior. Her vocabulary is out of control and her story telling is better than your seven year old's, chill out with the dirty glares if she's melting down because of a napless afternoon and too much running around. "If that we're MY daughter I'd teach her not to have outbursts!" If she was your daughter you'd be the luckiest person on the planet, you would hear you are beautiful and loved every day, you would get pretend meals and coffee every morning, and you would get an endless supply of hilarity. And even though she's a genius princess rock star she would still go all "three years old" on you and lose her cool over three year old things. Sucker.

Having an autistic child has made me an incredibly sympathetic parent. My son has a silent, unrecognizable diagnosis. People who look in his beautiful eyes have no idea at first glance what he's had to overcome. Likewise, I don't know what invisible problems other parents, or people in general, are overcoming.

I'm looking for appropriate ways to tell people their advice or criticism is unwanted, unnecessary and to put it bluntly, rude, uninformed and obnoxious. It's not something I deal with often but it would be nice to have a zippy one-liner for overzealous advisers.

I'll continue to have compassion on people with the two year old son screaming about candy in a WalMart. That kid is probably a sweetheart doll baby when he's rested and not out grocery shopping in the pits of hell that is a discount super center.

Or maybe he's a selfish, loud, annoying brat and sucks at life. If that's the case his parents are already too aware that their kid is a punk and don't need your help pointing that out to them on the canned food aisle.

Until you've walked the endless miles of scaring away monsters, finding the right stuffed animal, attending therapy session in the middle of your workday, praying for your kids sincerely every night or teaching them every minute that you can, in MY very capable shoes, then keep your comments to yourself. Until you have raised my kids day in and day out, you are not allowed to have a negative opinion unless they stab someone or steal a car.

I had a theory that parents are rough on other parents to disguise their own child's shortcomings. The more experience I have with other people who spawned life, I'm pretty sure that's the case.

So let this be a lesson to all those difficult, critical, quick to judge parents out there: If you give me grief about my kid I'll assume that yours will end up on Bay News 9 for larceny or psycho tantrums or drunk driving to elementary school and also go ahead and instantly come to conclusion that my monkeys are way better than whatever you are raising.

My kids are the Powerball of all munchkins - they are adorable and smart and they love me like a best friend, caregiver and comedian. I'll take those odds any day.