The First Post is the Deepest

Today was a day that changed my life - in a different way than my wedding day or the birth of either of my womb monsters could change my life.

My two year old angel, D*Bear, was diagnosed with Pervasive Development Disorder. This is basically a very nice way of saying that he has autistic traits, but is still to young and his future too unpredictable to have the 100% diagnosis of "autistic."

PDD is different for everyone, and for my sweet baby boy it is characterized by this:
Speech delay
Development delay (has trouble understanding commands, stresses easily)
Repetitive behavior
Unimaginative play

For my guy, that's basically it. He does not have several of the traits characterized by autism such as:
Emotional disconnect
Lack of eye contact
Lack of social interaction
Inability to understand facial expressions
Inability to understand simple commands (No! for instance. He's got that one down.)

D*Bear, on the surface, seems like a very typical two year old who happens to be taking his time talking, but once you spend anytime with him at all, you will soon notice that he spins everything; wheels on cars, blocks, toys, basically everything but books. He also seems less attentive than your average toddler, but emotionally, seems on par, if not more in tune than his peers.

I am an extremely lucky mother. D*Bear is truly the epitome of the purest form of joy, and I wouldn't trade my experiences with him for anything. I wouldn't take a "normal" child for anything. My D may have developmental struggles ahead, but one day of working diligently to finally hear him say, "All done!" is better than one million days rolling around in all the stimulus package money Obama has to offer!

You other mother's feel like that too, I imagine. No matter what the struggle, I'd rather struggle with my cutie pie than be on cloud nine with another child with no learning/behavior issues. My child rocks. My son is awesome.

So, today is day one of being the mother of a child with a learning difference. Well, hour 11 to be exact. I can't say that I am at all surprised by this diagnosis, and while it took the wind right out of my sails att first to hear a doctor confirm our concerns, now I feel an almost euphoric peace.

Now I know what I am dealing with. Now I can tackle it. Now I can save my son.

After spending an hour crying myself silly while both my son and my 10 month old daughter (more on my Tinkerbell later,) slept, I sobbed to my amazing (and sexy) husband over the phone, and with his ever soothing voice and endless encouragement, I realized that we can tackle this together.

We can beat this. I just know we can. There has never been a more determined or purposed moment in my life. I'm going to slay his disorder, and we are going to set my son free.

Don't get me wrong - I'm no all powerful force, but I have all my faith in my omnipotent and merciful of God, and I have the most amazing group of friends and family than anyone could assemble, and we are going to win.

I have heard countless times in the weeks leading up to this appointment that God would never put more or me than I could bear. This made me feel so weak...so helpless. I feel like "I have more on me than I can bear!!," I wanted to scream, "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!" Then I started researching...that verse is a huge misquote. It's nowhere is The Bible at all.
(just one of many sources:http://www.ronedmondson.com/2009/03/god-will-allow-more-than-you-can-bear.html)


So, I realized this: of course God puts more on us than we can bear. That's why we need him. In this moment tonight when I realized that I don't have to be impossibly strong, and that I can call upon my Father in Heaven, relief washed over me. I literally felt my nerves from head to toe calm down.

I am putting this in God's hands, and I will do my absolute best to keep my heart open and listen to what steps I need to make to allow God to heal my D Bear.

God is going to bring D out of this. I don't know His time and I don't know His reasons, but I know I capitalize every first letter of every name I refer to Him by, and that makes Him a pretty big deal.

As I sign off tonight, I sign off excited for this new chapter in my family's life, and more rejuvenated and full of worship than I have been in long while. I am obviously saddened that my child would ever have to deal with anything but rainbows and ice cream, but I know that this is not the end of the world.

This is the first day of my new life, a life of a mother with beautiful family, not so different than the day before it.

My husband and I have a lot of research to do, a lot of evaluations and therapy to attend, and a of prayers to pound out.

Praise God that I have a Lord and Savior who can put too much on me, because he will allow me to give those burdens to him. The comfort and the peace that comes from that is breathtaking.

More to come on D Bears progress, including speech therapy, socialization, and even a gluten free diet.

Next time I'll introduce you to my daughter. She's unbelievable. You'll love her.

Zip it up and zip it out,
Kel